|Why hello stranger,
||[Dec. 16th, 2009|02:11 pm]
Please remain that way....
This past weekend was a real eye opener, i ran into my horrid ex boyfriend to start off. I was on a drug binge...so was he. So we decided to hang out for some retarded reason. We just chilled at my house and he was high on dope & kept nodding out. It was like hanging out with a autistic kid or something. It made me sad and angry at the same time. Who is this person? I sure as hell didn't know anymore. The guy i "loved" and promised me the world is now...a selfish lying junkie dick.(& that's a understatement)
The surrealness of it all has been to much to swallow. How could this even happen? How could the guy i thought i would spend the rest of my life with just become this way? Guess that's just another life lesson called "you just realized you lost your first real love and it's a bitch to get over huh?" Why yes it is a bitch to get over.
Thinking of how he ment everything to me and i was just like "eh.." to him. I was something to make him feel special..give him attention. & when i didn't give him attention he'd find another girl to take my place. Just so simple. I wasn't his first "real love" as he would say. And he'd call me randomly to use me for sex & I out of stupidity thought he actually just missed me and liked being close to me LMFAO (i know i know)
He can't even bare to hear me talk. That should of been a sign.
Yet i still spent my last few dollars on him, i bought him a book this weekend after he found out he was being sued. I felt so bad for him, why? It wasn't my problem. I could of just laughed and thought *thank god you deserve every bad thing that happens to you, you heartless piece of scum*
But he wouldn't have treated me any different if i had said that thought out loud to him instead of try to comfort him. I tryed, he said "don't fucking touch me" ok...then he would just randomly call be a bitch and say "FUCK YOU"...in the meanest loud screaming tone,talked to me like a straight up animal. I don't even think he'd treat an animal as poorly as me. The girl he's supposed to of cared about.
I even recall him asking me (after being a complete ass) if i loved him...and when i said "uhm..why? I don't know" he acted all butthurt. Why does he care, he has a girl friend, he doesn't need to have me love him too. jeeze. It's like he'll manipulate girls and play with their heads to make them fall in love so he can get shit out of them. DISGUSTING. I feel like i fell in love with the devil. Maybe i did, metaphorically speaking?
Anyways I'ma sweet girl and don't deserve this shit. He wants to be "friends" friends don't treat friends that way so no..we won't be friends. He has enough anyways, yet still complains that he has "no one to talk to about shit" HELLO *WAVING HANDS VIGOROUSLY* wow. Is anything ever good enough for that kid? He has everything he's ever asked for (a band that's signed, friends JUST like him, girls, a job...a new fake personality & an ego bigger than his head (which is pretty big))unlike...
So uhm guess this chapter of my life is OFFICIALLY over. No going back, fuck the memories, fuck the pain & fuck the god damn attachment. & i guess fuck my family i wanted to have. I can't be emotionally drained anymore. I have met a guy i really really liked but he doesn't have a phone but is the lead singer in my friends band. I hope i get to see him again & pray he likes me back. His personality is what won me. I haven't really liked a guy in ages.
I want to fall in love again. Yes i said AGAIN. it's weird to say because i thought you could only really love ONE person and that one person only. I believed that cheesy "soulmates, piece to my puzzle, other half" load of crap. I'm bitter so it's gonna be hard. It's like i'm starting all over again. Last time i started over i was 16,this time i'm 20 (lets hope i'm not still single by the time im 26)
I rambled alot on this post, but it feels good to get this off my chest cause it's been unbearably hard to breath.